but I got pulled away.
I’ve been actively working hard to avoid the self-deprecating words that fly when this happens:
What’s wrong with me
I’m a fake
I’m a terrible worker
I’ll be found out and fired for this
What’s wrong with you
Such a fuck up
Etc.
I know what I need to do so at least there’s that – I’m not in a complete block of unthinking anxiety.
Someone might be though? That’s what brought me here now, when I should be focusing on the work on the other screen.
I heard them on repeat last weekend while at Stump. Not safe. That’s all it says, over and over. It sounds young, and sounds hurt or desperate. Or maybe not young, hard to tell in the half-whisper.
I thought it was just from being over there, but I’ve realized I’ve heard it last night alone at home and today; and shouldn’t home be as safe as can be? No one to interact with, to give away anything, that should be safe as ever, right?
So it’s not about physical location at all. Trying to ask inward gives no response other than a feeling of fleeing, and someone distinctly different spitting out Fuck you. Fuck you all.
They’ve been saying that a lot lately.
Look I was nice and made a cute little hr tag for later indication. And don’t fucking tell me I’m not playing nice. I’m doing NOTHING to anyone other than sitting here feeling like shit because they’re trying to do their thing and just fuck it there’s no point in fucking talking anyway. Just feel happy I’m not deleting this.
Don’t worry we won’t let us
I was going to leave it at that. But now I’m kind of stuck here. I know – I’ll see if I can make us forget this post and find it later. You know, if I’m going to be stuck here anyway. Make her fucking freak out. She needs to fucking let go anyway.