Today’s oddities started with a normal issue. I have never denied I flip flop between caring/feeling emotional about something and being so disconnected I can’t even understand why I cared in the first place. (Funny how something so obvious can be denied for so long, huh?)
But in my short journey so far, I’d not run yet into today’s experience as something referring to myself.
I should clarify: I’m only a few months into this journey, conciously. This past spring I finally conceded that maybe I am OSDD at least.
I typically do not lose time, or not large pieces of it, as far as I can tell. I get “micro-losses” as lot, where I might not be able to tell you what I was just doing 20 min ago, so I record and write down most everything I can. My switches even when obvious have not included a loss of a sense of myself, that is they’ve always happened under this mental understanding of “well yeah, I’m so-and-so, but we’re all a part of outer Kat”.
So back to today. I was holding off feelings that I’ve handled previously that I think are initially tied to self-worth issues and solo polyamory, a lifestyle which I’m only 1-2 years into as well. Or at least, that’s the triggering instance. I get the impression it goes deeper: a feeling of completely hopeless disconnection/ loneliness/ despair, some expectation that the way I’m living now is it and I’ll always be alone.
The emotional response is irrational, ignoring all logical response back. I’d initially hoped letting it vent a bit instead of trying to force it back might help give some insigth into further feeding thoughts/sources, but I wasn’t finding any and getting frustrated. More than frustrated, I was getting angry that every time I think I’m over something it pops back up as if it’s brand new, and the lines of thought fell in with the emotional spiral of self worth issues and deserving to be lonely and how I’m going to just chase people away because I can’t be myself anywhere.
And in my text rant to Darkmage coming out of a spiral, it happened: I realized I’d typed of Kat in third person, but in a way that gave a short lightbulb moment: in that exact moment, I was not Kat. Whoever I was, was distinctly not Kat.
It was brief, as if catching that realization was enough to feel a feeling of “I am Kat” start blending back in, like watching a color work its way through water before blending into the entire pool.
And I still remember it. Concious or conciously known attempts to try to forget things hasn’t worked. (Ha, last post person!) So if I remember that feeling of being not me, was there still some co-conciousness? Or just that most memory is a shared bank that we automatically start reading for smoother handoffs?
The following conversation after that with Darkmage turned dark, where I shared any quotes I was catching. It was worrying. Someone wants to keep everyone in line “for our own good”, because it “keeps us safe”.
And when told it isn’t, and doesn’t keep us safe, and that that’s abuse, there was a response and another voice at the same time:
“Pain for the greater good”
“God just let me die already”
I have no idea if either of these are related to the angry one who keeps interjecting with “Fuck off” when I start probing.
Side note, the “not Kat” considered wanting to claim Sokei as a name. There was a deeper feeling of multiple complaints/objections, since that is meant to be our generic system name. One or more of us made it, it’s not even English. It’s ours.